There was a period in my life when I don't want to go to mass and try to avoid the thought of God. And I would tell Him, "I am not ready to face myself."
I think it was St. Augustine who said, "to know God is to know one's self". In our relationship with God, our true selves come to fore. When we talk to God, we tend to become honest, maybe because we have an inate knowledge that He knows us through and through. Even more than what we dare want to know ourselves.
If it is so, then, why do we avoid God? Because knowledge demands a response. It brings to our consciousness our responsibilities. It is so much easier to sleepwalk thru life. We deactivate that gentle force of change that brings us to fuller life. We desensitize ourselves with what is good and what is evil. We numb ourselves to pain.
Yet, no matter what our beliefs may be, there will always be a longing to know love, to receive love, and to give love. Unfortunately, when we numb ourselves to pain, we also numb ourselves to love. Numb to the point of settling for poor imitations of love.
It takes courage to face God and to face one's self. But when we do, we would realize that we do not have an enemy within. We have a loving God who is willing and desiring to journey with us until we reach that place of etetnal love.
